i am ready

Cooking up a Storm

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this post is from my crackberry.

I have never posted from my phone before so this is pretty cool.

Love After Love

by Derek Walcott



The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Conflict Resolution

So it seems that the absolutist break up happened only in my head.

Apparently I totally misunderstood the very poorly selected words that Mr. Mention (the boyfriend) used and we finally came to an understanding. This is after I offered him his walking papers and 24 hours after the consumption of 2 bottles of horribly tasting pinot grigio (the worst I ever had).

Turns out dude wants to go on a spiritual fast that will involve chastity and introspection for 4 months. I have done the same for over one whole year so I totally identify with that but I certainly couldn't identify with all the hemming and hawing that was taking place instead of a reasonable explanation for a shift in behaviour (hence the walking papers bit).

SO , I haved definitely learnt a few things...

That spiel about women not saying EXACTLY what they want, men do that too and when they do it, it may be more devastating because we expect men to say exactly what they mean to say.

The fact that I am a trained communicator stays strictly in my professional realm. There are very few guys who can communicate as effectively naturally and they may say all the wrongs things. And when I say wrong, I mean they may say things that they dont want to say but cannot seem to find the right words to express exactly how they feel.

Breathe. Before I drink another two bottles of bad wine and break a glass and feel like everything is over. Be patient and get to the bottom of things. For communication to take place, meaning must be shared.

Two Wine Bottles Later

I got piss poor drunk last night.

My dear friend Imelda #2 accompanied me on this man-purge as I forced myself to feel emotions that were so bottled up inside me.

Sigh.

I barely managed not to send him drunken email (I sent it to me instead).

It hurts like a muthaferker.

...

Tastee Patty Turnaround Time

I think I have knack for creating a calendar of love interests that rivals only Tastee patty batches.

Another flew over the doctor bird's nest.

I am getting tired of my love life.

I think I just need to buy a nice little fix-me-upper in the hills and get like five dogs of different breeds and a baby or two before my eggs get too old to be of use.

I want a family.

I'll get dogs, birds, fish, chickens, goats and babies, with a nice little subsistence farm and nice polite neighbours who will give me everything I cant manage to grow.

Since I clearly cannot count on men for lifetime companionship, I might as well focus on the things that have no choice but to rely on me for their existence or are at least guaranteed to stick around for 18 years minimum.

New Party in Power

The tables have turned after all of 18 years. The Jamaica Labour Party has won an election over the PNP after 4 terms in the wilderness of opposition.

My sentiments are contained, though that came after a moment of panic. No one wants to suffer the political brutality of the 70s and 80s and not enough are convinced that a man who was so tight with criminals has been able to clean all of the blood that splashed on him by association. But still we watch. And still we wait.


The rest remains to be seen.

If I had a hammer...

I remember that childhood song... "I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land..."

It doesn't seem so long ago since those lyrics would burst from my lips a I took long showers and baths on Saturdays.

Then, I would have hammered out justice and freedom and love between my brothers and my sisters all over this land.

Now, I think I just want to hammer out sense into the heads of men who seem intent on wasting time fooling around and bullshitting everyone including themselves.

Why is it that all men seem to be in some sort of psychological deficit? And if it is so apparent to everyone else, why don't they seek some sort of remedy? I think the lot of them are intent on having mass parades featuring their dirty linen at the expense of the rest of us.

I honestly cannot stand men sometimes. I think that even the most mature of them are woefully childish.

Yes i am clearly upset about something.

Mr. Long Distance Love and I have had a falling out due to the fact that he seems to be flip flopping more than Bruce Golding and Karl Samuda combined.

So officially, mi vex.

I have absolutely no patience and tolerance for bullshit. Honestly, life is too short to hem and haw over things that are so damn simple. And they say women are complicated.

Jamaica Votes

I find myself awake on what I believe to be the final morning of the People's National Party (PNP) rule in 18 years. I cannot say that I am overjoyed.

The truth is that while I tended towards Edward Seaga and a JLP government as a little girl because I loved their symbol of the bell, Michael Manley and the PNP seemed to have won my sympathies, if not my silent following.

Maybe it was the introduction of free education up to the tertiary level under his regime that offered my father a university education and me a chance for a better life due to the fact that my university educated father was more keen on what constituted good parenting practices and investing in my own education as a blueprint for a successful future.

Maybe it was legalisation and de-bastardization of children, like my father who were born out of wedlock to a respectable principal and one of his many unfortunate concubines, my dear grandmother who struggled with so many issues of insecurity that she fell for the wiles of the wandering educator.

Maybe it was the fact that I knew the man personally, and hold his memory in reverence to this day.

Regardless of how or why, I have to say change, though necessary, is not always for immediate gratification but since all things work ultimately for good, whatever happens in the polls by this time tomorrow morning when all the votes are tallied, we will be better off in the long run.